My Life According to ... The Dick Van Dyke Show

Saw this on dodger_sister's journal, had to give it a try.

Using only episode names from one TV show, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat an episode title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My life according to ..."

Pick your Show: The Dick Van Dyke Show


Are you a male or female?: "Sally is a Girl"
Describe yourself: "Obnoxious, Offensive, Egomaniac, Etc."
How do you feel: "Punch Thy Neighbor"
Describe where you currently live: "The Talented Neighborhood"
If you could go anywhere where would you go?: "Your Home Sweet Home Is My Home"
Your favourite form of transportation: "Scratch My Car and Die"
Your best friend is: "The Third One From the Left"
What's the weather like: "The Foul Weather Girl"
Favourite time of day: "Long Night's Journey into Day"
If your life was a TV show, it would be called: "To Tell or Not to Tell"
What is life to you: "Somebody Has to Play Cleopatra"
Your fear: "A Bird in the Head Hurts"
What is the best advice you have to give: "Never Name a Duck"
Thought for the Day: "The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears..."
How I would like to die: "The Death of the Party"
My soul's present condition: "Br-rooom, Br-rooom"
My motto: "Never Bathe on Saturday"